看例文,学写作|大学创意写作范文
时间：2019-01-07 03:35:26 来源：柠檬阅读网 本文已影响 人 
前些天收到一名即将初中毕业的读者的来稿，初看稿子，真的很难相信这是出自一名初三学生之手。毕竟作为一名初中生，能用英语洋洋洒洒地写下六七百字实属不易。但细看之下就会发现文章中有不少中国学生写英语作文时常犯的错误，如逻辑性不强、中式英语等。
这期咱们就以此文为例来谈谈中国学生英语写作中的问题以及英语写作的小技巧，大家一起来捉捉虫，改一改，看看自己平时的写作中是否也犯了同样的错误呢。对了，咱们的外教Angie也对此文提出了一些很实用的小建议哦！
The Thorn Birds
by Sabina Jiang
As I contentedly closed the cover of The Thorn Birds注, the fragrance of pages yellow with age reached my nose. I 1)smelt with concentration[专心] and satisfaction[满足] as a sense of nostalgia[怀旧]
flashed through me. I confess I felt as though I was in some kind of fairytale as I heard the birds singing in the branches, welcoming the spring they had waited so long for. 2)I walked down the stairs while feeling the texture of the handrail[扶手] the newly painted days ago, in the gardens I was welcomed by the spreading rays of the sun, shining 3)through a break in a camphor tree[香樟树] leaves. I breathed in the aroma[香气] of the tulips[郁金香] and lilies that were blooming wildly in my garden,
and I could hear the busy sound of buzzing bees working nearby. I wondered why it was that we had thorn trees, and what made those ridiculous[荒谬的] thorn birds willing to suffer such torture[折磨] as they sang the most beautiful song that no one has ever heard.
Were they dreaming of just a beautiful song or was it a sort of coping mechanism[应对机制] that
allowed them to survive 4)a most prickly[刺痛的] and most painful experience? Whatever the case, their purpose is 5)clear, determined, and they are willing to sacrifice[牺牲] to pursue their dreams no matter
how hard it might be. In contrast, 6)what are our dreams there for? Our ambitions seem unclear
during long working hours, 7)doing regular the same thing; through 8)every relaxing weekends
we spend on computers, in front of our TVs, or at parties, saying our hellos and goodbyes to friends who seem to be sincere; through the months of wasting time, lifetimes spent in restaurants and bars, drinks and cigarettes; through the years of dejectedness[沮丧]―in the end, a life 9)full of regrets filled with un-satisfaction. But where have our dreams gone? Why didn’t we pick them up when we were still young and still had time, still had chances to 10)to go back to return to the core? But there are no roads for turning back. So why not choose suffering if it can give us the possibility
of success? 11)In my opinion a good choice is half done. Just like the thorn birds that spend their lifetime finding a place to experience sorrow and pain while they achieve their highest peak.
Maybe hardship comes along in the middle of our life, while we’re in our 20s or 30s, when we are strong and able, and have the passion to face it. Thank God for sending us our pain while we are still capable of dealing with it. 12)Choose to win choose to suffer!
13)The other half depends on hard work and fortune. Perhaps our fate is destined but we have the ability to change it. I never believe fortunetellers[占卜者] 14), if I did, I would walk their path. Walking
the path of the thorn bushes, we might be dragged, injured or even winded, but, as we all know from the fairytales, it is always the bravest warriors, the ones willing to fight against all obstacles, that eventually win their true love. 15)I personally think that achieving the peak of one’s career is
essentially the same. If we do not choose to suffer, how will we be able to overcome the obstacles that God later puts in our way?
Pulling myself back to reality, I heard the sound of flapping[拍打] wings in the distance. My eyes lit up―a phoenix[凤凰] had just risen from the ashes. I held my breath as it flew fearlessly
towards the sun, singing with the voice of heaven, its golden feathers landing on the grass, before it
vanished[消失] from sight. I picked up a golden feather and held it in my hands as it turned to ashes and blew away in the wind, leaving behind someone with fortune and success on their mind.
例文问题浅析
中式英语
受汉语在语义、结构、语法和文化等诸多方面的影响，不少中学生作文中常见Chinglish。（大家可以将原文与下文修改后的句子对比一下哦！）
1. 用汉语打腹稿再转换成英语，呈现明显的汉语痕迹。
例2改为：I ran my hand along the newly painted handrail as I walked down the stairs
例3改为：through the leaves of the camphor tree
外教建议：When writing in English, think in English.
2. 修饰语过多，重复累赘。
例4改为：a most painful experience（prickly与painful同义）
例5改为：determined（clear多余）
例8改为：every weekend（relaxing多余）
例9改为：full of regrets and dissatisfaction（full of与filled with同义）
例10改为：to go back（to go back与to return to the core重复）
外教建议：Try to keep your writing simple. You are doing one of the hardest things in the English language with this article: describing something that cannot, by definition, be defined with words. It’s an emotion, an idea. By using too much flowery[华丽的] language, the reader gets lost and misses your point. Instead, keep your sentences direct and simple unless a more complicated grammatical structure is needed. The most important thing in writing is to communicate your ideas to the reader. Make sure that this is your focus.
3.“I”使用过多。
例11中“In my opinion”与例15中“I personally think that”均删除。
外教建议：Depending on what you want to use this article for, be careful of using the word “I” too much. In general, readers are interested in what you have to say, but they don’t really care about you as a person. This is especially true for any academic paper[论文]. Professors don’t care what you think; they only care about the facts as you present them. Even if it’s an article about YOU and YOUR life, try to avoid phrases like “in my opinion,” “I think,” “for me,” etc.
语法、词汇错误
词汇和语法错误主要包括简单的拼写错误、首字母大小写、名词单复数错误、词性运用错误、近义词区分以及各种语法错误。
例1改为：breathed（smell指用鼻子凑近闻，尤指闻特别或臭的气味，用在此处不当）
例6改为：what are our dreams for（单句只需一个主语，there删除）
例7改为：doing the same thing regularly/doing the same thing day after day（修饰动词用副词，regular后要加ly）
例9改为：dissatisfaction（表否定的前缀-un和-dis混用导致单词拼写错误）
衔接错误
1. “,”的滥用。
例2与例14结尾的“,”均应改为“；”，表示该分句意思的完结。
外教建议：This “;” is a semicolon. Try to use it more often to connect sentences that are related to each other instead of using one really long sentence.
2. 链接词使用不当
不会使用恰当的链接词也是中学生作文的突出问题之一。作文中总是反复使用一些简单的关联词，如and/but/so，而不会使用however/therefore/nevertheless等词代替。在主从句的链接中，汉语的从属结构往往是成对出现的，如“如果……那么”、“因为……所以”、“虽然……但是”等，英语却不存在成对的连接词，两个连接词只保留一个。本文此错误较少，不在此举例说明。
语篇错误
1. 主体段无主题句或主题句概括不当。
例13改为：The rest depends on persistence.（该段主要讲“persistence”，而非“hard work and
fortune”）
2. 写作内容贫乏，口号性句子或引用句滥用。
例11中“a good choice is half done.”和例12 “Choose to win choose to suffer!”在内容上对观点的展开无帮助，应删除。
